


Golden Days

by iloveeverythingwaytoomuch



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Animagus, Canon Compliant, Canon Typical Abuse, Child Abuse, F/M, Gen, James 'accidental therapist' Potter, Legilimency, M/M, Marauders, Marauders Friendship (Harry Potter), Minor James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black & James Potter Friendship, Sirius starts acting up way earlier than he probably did in canon, Slow Build, Young Sirius Black, author projecting onto Sirius Black, i want to say happy ending but you've read the books, mom friend James Potter, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-19
Updated: 2019-12-03
Packaged: 2020-09-07 04:21:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 15,742
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20303383
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iloveeverythingwaytoomuch/pseuds/iloveeverythingwaytoomuch
Summary: The Marauders use legilimency to get all their secrets out in the open. A deep dive into Sirius Black, his childhood, and his intentions.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> ...or I maybe identify a little too hard with Sirius Black. 
> 
> Accompanying playlist on spotify: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6Qil27hiWxkIkfdGygqdNg?si=ZLVUfkHzSLKtLcHxgrEESQ

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pre-Sirius Walburga

**The Black Manor, 1955**

_ Her family had told her she was special since birth and that because of the blood in her veins and the ring on her finger she’d be Queen of the mortals. Two brothers provided her safety from the horrors of child rearing. The family confident they would surely be able to produce an heir. Her father had permitted this attitude solely because her brother Cygnus had continued the family tree as soon as he had married Druella. Alphard, always the favorite as the youngest boy - with all of the favor and none of the responsibility of his older siblings - refused to settle down. He hadn’t hid his preference, although their father never let him forget the Family Duty: continue a Pureblood line. Then he fell for a Blood Traitor, a man who did not hold their beliefs, and father still hadn’t removed him from the Tree. _

_ After a failed attempt with a man whom the family would only refer to as the Traitorous Coward, Walburga was promised to her second cousin, Orion, whom she didn’t completely despise. She had never wanted children, she was perfectly happy to live with her betrothed in content in perpetuity. However, when Druella gave birth to their third girl and Alphard had rejected the second woman their parents had desperately pushed on him, Walburga began to feel her family’s expectant eyes slowly turn to her to provide an heir. The family had no choice but to remove their expectations from the two sons of Pollux. Druella was crushed. _

_ “Walburga, it's up to you now.” They said it like it was an honor. _

~ 

“All you had to do was fuck one of them,” Walburga growled as she cornered her brother.

Alphard was not bothered, he’d become immune to their family’s continued use of that threatening voice. “Oh…and what about your husband? He is a Black after all, is he not?” His calm easy smile set a furious fire inside her. “Or are you worried it would ruin your figure?” He asked smoothly. Walburga concentrated on not maiming him. 

“Alphard…” she pleaded.

“Walburga!” Her father had come around the corner. “Don’t make me call you again.” He beckoned to her and her brother. They obediently followed their father into the dining room. The house elves were just serving the first course. Like a petulant child, Walburga silently refused to eat as her family discussed the evident betrayal of Rosier blood. 

Her grandfather spoke up with finality, “it must be Black blood.” All eyes turned to the youngest fertile Black and that was that: Walburga was mandated to produce the heir, a Son of Black. 

Under the table, Orion took her hand. 

When they returned to 12 Grimmauld place, the look Orion was giving her had her on edge. “I’m not their breeding mare.” He wrapped his arms around her. 

“Of course not, but I’ll be damned if the Black name dies because you were too proud.”

She turned in his arms, “How dare you.” Her eyes were ice.

“It won’t be like that.” Women in the Black family had a habit of living just long enough to push out heirs. Her mother and grandmother had barely survived into their thirties. 

_ They served the House well. _ Her father had informed her coldly when her mother took her last breath. 

Orion kissed her then, worshipping her with his lips and tongue. Although their marriage was arranged they’d become very fond of each other in the past few years. He’d been trying to get her to change her mind about children for years. “We don’t have to like them, just make sure the blood line survives.” His hand slid down her bodice and she groaned at the feel of his touch. 

“At least we’ll have fun in the process,” she said going for his neck. Something about the way he touched her, spoke to her, lived on the very air she breathed was intoxicating. “As you wish my Lord,” she whispered against his mouth. 

He pulled back, feeling her grip loosen. “What is it?”

“Nothing…come back.”

He watched her, “you’ve done this before….” 

“Do you think that makes it easy? Why don’t you find a curse that has you carry the little parasite then?” Her first husband, another much older Black relation had tried and failed to produce a child with her. Instead of admitting defeat like the impotent coward he was, he betrayed the family and ran off with a Blood Traitor, a Potter for Gods’ sakes. 

He chuckled, but his eyes remained serious. “I would Burga. I would if there was such a thing.” She remembered the times he nursed her back from destruction. He was a healer and had been the one to examine her and convince the rest of the family that the infertility was male induced. He had convinced the elders not to lose faith in the Daughter of Black.

Subdued she said, “You would know.”

A year later, Walburga had her first miscarriage. Orion was out on business and she refused help even from the family physician, whom she swore to secrecy. 

“I swear on all of Merlin’s magic, I will see you your head mounted like a house elf,” she had managed bitterly between the painful gusts of wind that echoed from her lungs into the corridors. 

**12 Grimmauld Place, 1958**

_ There was an animal in the house. A cow. Her skin sallow with the bones of her ribs and hips, stretching her form in grotesque ways. She was dry as dust, licking her lips desperate for even a drop of water. But she did not move, she was complacent and waiting. Walburga stared at it, dumbfounded and somewhat weary. It was so close to the freedom, she thought, if she could just get around the thing to open the door. The poor animal would let itself out. She looked mad with hunger, she wondered how in the world it was staying in place when she noticed a frayed rope around its neck which connected to the bannister. _

_ As soon as she went to move, however, she felt something tug her to the stairs. She looked down and found with much confusion, she had a matching frayed rope connecting her to the spot. With abject horror she looked at the animal once more. She was no longer staring at the used sow but a mirror. _

Walburga awoke in her own bed. Her breathing fast and uncomfortable. She looked down to see her belly, large and robust. She shivered wondering when it had gotten so cold when she saw the culprit: the duvet was wet. She probably wet the bed during the night, not too unusual at this far along; there was after all, a parasite the size of a cauldron sitting on her bladder. She got up and glanced down. The lower half of her night gown was soaked in viscous, crimson liquid. 

“OH-RI-ON,” she screamed before she realized what she was doing. She groaned his name once more. She felt as if all the pain of every hex she’s ever cast hit her at once. “No…not again.” Her husband was up and out of bed, his arms around her in record time. 

“Stay calm, Walburga.” He grabbed his wand. “Breathe.” There were a few moments of tense silence while he made sure she was healthy. Walburga stared blankly at the wall and let her husband’s charms and questions run over her like warm water. 

She had never wanted children. 

~

Sirius Black III was born on November the third 1959 and formally christened the heir of the Black family. The Black Family tree amended itself, as did the numerous Will and Testaments concerning the vast Black fortune. The elders rushed to begin the preparations: family obligations were such that, even at a young age the foremost heir was to have regularly scheduled lessons on subjects like presentation and familial management, self-mastery, as well as frequent checks for even the inkling of magic. The Ancient and Noble name of Black and the privileges thereof could not be inherited by a squib after all. 

He was a quiet baby and for the first year of his life his infant feet never felt a hard surface. Sirius was swaddled by his mother day and night, held close to her chest and paraded around for everyone to see. She would even take him down Grimmauld Place, so as to show the poor muggles what a proper handsome infant was supposed to look like. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius and his father have a talk. Sirius trusts James with everything...just not that.

**12 Grimmauld Place**

Sirius had made an off-color comment about his mother, who mercilessly was not there to catch what he had said. The house had been so quiet with the matriarch gone that one could have assumed it was unoccupied. That is until one heard the playful noises coming from the two young boys who lived there. His father was sitting at the table, a small smile tipped his lips, his eyes just this side of threatening.

“You know your mother loves you, Sirius,” his father said, taking another bite of his supper. Walburga was gone for the long weekend, visiting her brother and her proper Pure Blood relatives. They were no doubt going to give her inspiration for the next couple of years when her eldest went to Hogwarts. The green robes had already started appearing in his wardrobe. He would never show anyone but he used them to wipe the blood from his body after he was particularly disruptive during his lessons. That silver and green marred forever by the red blotches. The idea kept him going on harder days.

Regulus nearly spit. Sirius eyed his brother with an amused but rigorous warning not to speak, at least in the presence of their father. “Yes and she has a very distinct way of showing it.” Sirius said pulling up the sleeve of his robe to reveal the last time his mother had put her long manicured talons on him. Orion refused to look at his son and instead focused on the spot where his ornate silver spoon had not been properly polished. He would have to have another word with the house elf.

“Do not get smart with me, boy.” His father said calmly and the tone served to create a lump in Sirius’s throat.

He pushed through it. The only way to change their minds about him, he thought, was to rub it in their posh faces. “She used an Unforgivable Curse on me.” Sirius’s grey eyes raked over his father’s emotionless expression. “Her son.”

“For good-”

Sirius interrupted his father as a fire surged through him, “what good reason is there to torture?!”_ your child _, he wanted to shout. He wanted to hit something. 

Orion stood, his chair making a deafening screech against the floor, “Do. Not. Raise your voice at me.” Regulus all but ducked under the table at the volume of his father’s voice. Sirius refused to break eye contact, though the hand he reached out to his brother did not go unnoticed. 

Their father smiled, his teeth glinting silver in the pale light and with a poisonous tone he called, “Regulus, come here.” He reached out to his youngest son. The small boy imperceptibly hesitated but in the end dutifully made his way to the end of the table. 

“Don’t.” Sirius growled. But even he wasn’t sure who the warning was meant for.

Orion seized his son’s wrist the moment he was within arm's reach and pulled the boy close. He whispered something inaudible in the child’s ear, which made Regulus shiver. His brother’s face made Sirius’s stomach churn uncomfortably. “Now, go to your room.” Regulus threw a worrying glance at his brother before obeying his father’s order. Once he had left the room, Orion sat back down and turned his attention to Sirius.

“Your mother does what she does to produce good heirs. You know this.” It was one of the only things his father could have said to actually get Sirius to feel for his mother after what she’d done. How she was raised exactly as he was, how the rest of his family certainly did not have her soft spot for children. He and his mother had rough patches, but when he would stay with his uncle Cygnus the violence would be constant. Although he wasn’t a fan of any of his relatives, it made him sick to his stomach to imagine what his older cousins Andromeda, Narcissa, and Bellatrix endured to become the proper Pure Blood young women his uncle deemed them be. It made him wonder about the fleeting softness in his mother’s eyes.

Sirius’s voice broke, “You can’t defend what-”

Orion continued as though Sirius had not spoken, “She knows that if you continue out into the world with this…unruly persona with the Black name; life will not be easy. We are only trying to protect you.” Sirius waited. “And your brother.”

“I would love to see what you two define as easy.” 

Sirius wasn’t sure if he’d even said it out loud because his father seemed not to hear a word. “We love our sons...” Sirius had to check the rest of the room, who was his father trying to convince because it sure as hell wasn’t him. “...and the noble name and blood line we carry is a very important and impressing responsibility. You must learn this. This path you’ve chosen, going against your mother and I and- acting out is not going to help you. There is a storm coming and you will need more than a few allies. We will be here for you. But only if you let us.” Orion did not say such things, he was not soft and he was not comforting. This was no different. His father seemed urgent, an intense stare creeping into his dark eyes. There was no affection in his gaze. Sirius was taken aback. He wasn’t sure what his father was trying to tell him but he knew that it was pertinent that he understand.

The sound of the front door slamming broke the intense scrutinization between father and son. Walburga Black entered the dining room and upon seeing her eldest son and her husband, she bared her teeth in what one could assume from a distance was supposed to be a smile. “Cygnus sends his regards,” she said making her way to her husband and pressing their lips together in a deep kiss. She rested her hand on his cheek and kept it there when she pulled back. “Where’s Regulus?”

Sirius did not speak, he didn’t even look up from his plate.

She watched him tremble and pulled her wand from her robes. “Answer me, Sirius.”

“Upstairs.”

**Hogwarts, one of the Gryffindor Boys Dormitories, 1974**

James Potter sat back, suddenly realizing how tense he’d become. He stared at fourteen year old Sirius and marveled at what he’d become. The long haired boy refused to look at him instead focusing on his finger nails, which were painted a shimmering red and gold. James knew he was going to have to be the first to speak. He slowly slipped his hand into Sirius’s, linking their pointer fingers together, trying to ground him. 

Sirius had a tendency to stop talking altogether when he was uncomfortable. It was one of the reasons he had grown so loud and uncouth at Hogwarts. If Sirius could make the room stare at him first - even if it was by making a fool of himself - then it would be on his terms. He would be able to control what people whispered about him. At least everyone except the Slytherins. 

James swallowed hard, wanting at first to tell Sirius he had nothing to be ashamed of. He wanted to ask about his father and brother, to ask what his father meant by “allies,” and most fervently he wanted to ask about that sinking feeling he felt in Sirius before Orion Black had even raised his voice. He should have known they were getting into some heavy topics when they started using Legilimency. But more so every day he realized how necessary it was. There was a chill in the air, something big was coming. Just like Orion had said. It had all started when Sirius proposed they get all their secrets out in the open, that way no one could use anything against them because they would already know. They had already known about Remus for over a year, and after learning that…and seeing the way Remus trusted them after. It had become an obsession of Sirius’s. So the Marauders were becoming Legilimens. 

James grabbed at Sirius’s shoulders then, pulling him into a tight hug. “Why that memory?” he asked against Sirius’s neck.

Thankful that he didn’t have to look James in the eye. Sirius scoffed, “That was probably the nicest thing my father has ever said to me.” James winced before he could stop himself. He put his hand against Sirius’s neck, pulling him closer. “…and I’m pretty sure it was encouragement to become a Death Eater.”

“Listen, mate. I don’t want to delve into the inner corners of your shite family but I do need to know one thing.”

The word was coming out of Sirius’s mouth before his brain even had time to consider it. “Anything.”

James geared himself up for a possible blowback. “You said - when you came to live with us - that she only cursed you that one time.” Sirius’s swallowed hard. This was not where he thought this conversation was going. “I just want to make sure that you know that you don’t have to protect her. You don’t owe her anything.”

“Uh huh,” Sirius cleared his throat of the familiar tightness. It wasn’t the look on James's face or the way he gently rubbed his pinky finger down Sirius’s knee that made Sirius’s chest tighten. It was James's sincerity. He genuinely wanted to understand. 

“How many times did she use unforgivable curses on you and Reg?”

“James I can’t…”

James stretched his back as he stood for the first time in over an hour. “Alright, alright,” He relented. “But I’ll have you know that if my mum did anything like that to me, I’d report her to the ministry.” Sirius perked a perfectly groomed eyebrow. “I would. Just because she raised me and quite frankly spoils me rotten, does not give her the right to treat me…or anyone…that way.”

For the first time since they’d come out of his head, Sirius looked him in the eye. “Yeah but your mum? She would never.”

“Oh she has a mean streak in her.” James grinned. “Like that time she told off your dad when he came to the Manor.” They both took a shuddering breath, remembering the positively enormous lung capacity of Euphemia Potter. 

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen Orion so white in my life.” Neither of them said anything for a long moment. Sirius stood and leaned his back against the door to the dorm. He smiled weakly. “I’m not saying she was perfect. But…ol’ Wally, she was crazy but she loved us…in her own way.”

“Sirius.” James paced and gestured about to get the tension out of his body. Then he put his hands on Sirius’s cheeks so he could see the urgency in his eyes. He implored Sirius to understand. “Loyalty…love. It’s a two way street, mate.” 

“Ok.” Sirius fiddled with his wand, spinning a Black family crested ring around the thicker end. “I love you, mate.”

“I love you.” Sensing Sirius’s patience was coming to an end, he said in a drastic change of tone, “I think that’s enough for now. Want to go check on Pete?” Sirius said nothing and studied James's face for the sympathetic eyes or pursed lips of worry. But there was no pity to be found. He simply knew exactly what Sirius had needed.

“Yeah, ten galleons says that he dropped it like last time.”

“You’re on, Black.” James called behind him as he was always making his way down the stairs to the common room. Sirius chased after him. 

He ran straight into his best friend as James stopped suddenly, catching sight of the third and fourth Marauders talking to Marlene and Lily by the wide stone fireplace. They couldn’t exactly bring up the Animagus spell in front of the girls seeing they were too young, unregistered, and was it extremely illegal and all. So they waited, James never taking his eyes off Lily. Sirius made faces behind their backs at his friends. Marlene was in the middle of handing a box and a piece of parchment over to Remus. He looked thankful, however slightly confused. After a particularly vulgar gesture by Sirius, Peter snorted and a leaf about the size and shape of his palm fell out of his mouth. 

“Oh bollocks,” he muttered bending down awkwardly to pick it up.

Marlene made a noise in disgust. “Peter what in the-”

“Merlin, Peter!” James called from across the room. 

Peter gaped at James but relaxed upon seeing the obvious smile. “It was Sirius, he made me laugh!” Lily stared at the boys and rolled her eyes. 

“James Potter, what are you up to now?” she asked. James looked absolutely scandalized. He gestured to his chest in pseudo shock. Her eyes slid to Remus who genuinely shrugged.

“I’m all the way over here, how could I possibly be up to something?” It was a well practiced line and she would have believed it if it weren’t for the cheeky grin spreading across his face. Sirius could feel his crushing infatuation from across the room.

Ever the quick thinker, Sirius hastily explained “It’s an experimental project for Slughorn, you wouldn’t be interested, you, with your top marks and such.” He eyed James, “Looks like you owe me a couple galleons, mate.” He then snatched the leaf from his shorter friend and grabbed his hand, pulling him through the portrait hole. James made a face and chased after them. 

“A Black without perfect marks, he sure is breaking all the stereotypes…” Marlene said thoughtfully. Remus smiled fondly looking after his friends. When he turned back to the girls and Marlene put her hand on his, “Anyway, I hope that helps.” 

He was about to reply when Sirius came bursting through the portrait hole once more and wrapped his arms around Remus’s waist. “Excuse us, m’ladies,” he said dragging Remus with him. “Moony, we’re waiting for you.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus realizes just how much the marauders want him to trust them. Sirius gets a letter from his mother.

**Hogwarts sometime around, 1974**

James gazed vacantly out the window of the dormitory, something uneasy settling in his stomach. Remus, usually the most level headed of the group, had been on edge all during breakfast and their first few classes together. Now Sirius and he had gotten into a shouting match over whether or not the jumper on Remus’s trunk was Sirius’s or not. James’s eyes passed over the lake and the edge of the Forbidden Forest. 

“Moony,” Sirius said, any anger gone and completely covered with exasperated sympathy. “Yours is the one with the thread loose in the collar. I’m telling you.” James’s eyes wistfully traveled over the Quidditch pitch and finally rested at the Whomping Willow.

At that moment Peter walked in and managed to say just the right thing to set the mood on edge. “So...plans tonight, boys?” Sirius all but threw the jumper at him, his face betraying nothing. 

Peter grabbed his wand and James stood, “Hey!” He grabbed the end of the wand with a warning look. “Come on, mate.” He spared a fleeting glance at the pocket of Peter’s robe where the tip of a small paperback book could be seen.

His face went pale. “ _ No _ , I didn’t-” Peter pocketed his wand, opened the small book and finding a bookmark of the smiling marauders, and gaped at the page. “Come on, you guys are supposed to remind me!” All the while Remus had been watching the exchange, his arms tightly folded across his chest. He was still fuming, but he wasn’t quite sure what about. 

“That’s why we all carry one, you git,” Sirius barked. This was the third moon in a row Peter had forgotten. “So we can hold ourselves accountable.” He looked at James like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“What is that?” Remus asked, a growl deep in his throat. James and Sirius pulled identical paper books from their person. Sirius was the closest. He proceeded to place a small Wizard’s Almanac into Remus’s outstretched hands. There was a bookmark in Sirius copy as well. A black grim locked eyes with Remus and winked as he opened to the saved page. 

Remus read aloud: “ _ Are they having THAT time of the month or is it just  _ that _ time of the month? Whether she’s a werewolf or they’re visited by their monthly friend, be sure to know his cycle. _ ” The dorm was quiet for a moment as the three boys tried to decipher Remus’s expression. Remus gulped. “You carry around Almanacs to track the moon?”

Sirius stepped towards him. “Well we were supposed to be anyways, it’s once a month, Wormy. Come on.”

“I’m not good with dates! Why do you think I cheat off of Moons. He’s so...good with...dates.” Peter winced as he heard what he was saying. 

“I thought…” Remus trailed off his voice breaking. 

Sirius snatched the book back, eyes wide. He looked as though he might incendio the book right there. “We won’t do it anymore if you don’t want us to.”

“Of course, Moony. Whatever makes you feel comfortable.” James clapped a hand on Remus’s shoulder. Suddenly Remus’s arms were clasped around James’s neck and he was hugging him, clinging to the taller boy. 

“You idiots,” he murmured against James’s neck. Sirius joined in, nearly body slamming the other two. Peter stood awkwardly for a second until James’s hand came up and beckoned him in. 

“We love you too.” Sirius said into James’s shoulder. 

“Wait, how many of you have these?”

James and Sirius were still trying to decipher the emotion in Remus’s voice when Peter piped up, “About half the house, I think.”

Remus face lit up as laughter burst out of him. The three other boys exchanged worried glances. “I think we broke him,” James said quietly.

“Rem?” 

“Frankly I don’t know how I didn’t figure it out sooner.” He flopped down on Sirius’s bed. “The  _ care packages _ , the empathetic looks, the worried glances after the moon. Marlene’s club thinks I used to be a girl.”

Sirius sat next to him. “Your  _ furry _ little problem and your  _ time of the month _ . Merlin...”

“You have to tell them.”

“I don’t have to do anything. James,  _ you _ started it, you tell them.”

Remus only let Lily offer him free chocolate for three more months before he let them know they were mistaken. He explained, he still belonged to their club. Just not for the reason they thought. All this was a misunderstanding because of his idiot friends. 

~

Dinner had just begun and the massive Great Hall was filled with teachers and students from wall to wall. Friends from all houses were forming a dull murmur against the stone walls. Once the last Gryffindor found her friends at the Hufflepuff table, the feast began. 

The Ravenclaws noticed it first - a raven gracefully circling high above the professor’s table - likely because the rest of the students assumed it was some corporeal manifestation of their emblem. A zoomorphic spell which usually only lasted a few minutes, it was somewhat difficult and the Ravenclaws much enjoyed showing off. The other houses weren’t too keen on the spell as their animals were much more harrowing to see roaming the halls. Although, it would be a lie to say that the terrific roar of a lion could not be heard on a semi-regular basis outside the dormitories of the house who lost to the Gryffindor Quidditch team. Especially when James Potter had been the reason they’d succeeded. 

It was only when the raven began to squawk loudly did the rest of the school take notice. One by one, the professors looked up but the animal seemed interested in one in particular. When Headmaster Dumbledore finally gave the bird the attention it was seeking, it released its package: a small red envelope, which fluttered down to rest on top of his mashed potatoes. He harrumphed distantly. 

“Doesn’t the mail usually come in the morning?” a first year turned to Sirius and asked. The conversational hum lowered slightly as the school’s attention focused on Dumbledore. Sirius couldn’t answer, a sinking feeling settled in his stomach. He hoped against hope that the howler was not from who he thought it was. Smoke started to rise from Dumbledore’s plate and he figured he’d find out soon enough. “Someone’s in trouble-” 

James tsked the first year, silencing them with a glare. The color was draining from Sirius’s already pale face. James glanced at Remus and then touched Sirius’s hand softly. “I’m not feeling well, hey Sirius, will you walk me to the Infirmary?”

Sirius tried to swallow but his mouth was too dry. He looked at James with glazed over eyes. “Yeah, mate, if you insist.”

They had barely left their seats when a shrill woman’s voice filled the Great Hall.  _ “The Great Albus Dumbledore.”  _ She screamed sarcasm evident in the way she enunciated every word. Sirius froze. He felt his mother’s eyes on the back of his neck. _ “How dare you keep me from my son. Do you realize who you are dealing with?” _ He felt her voice as if she was standing right there. He felt a wand touch his skin, not even sure if it was really there. James grabbed his hand and lead him out of the Great Hall, glad that Sirius was too far in his head to see the staring from other students.  _ “The Ancient and Noble House of Black has more resources than you could even imagine at that pitiful little school of yours.”  _ Remus and Peter followed suit. _ “You think because Blood Traitors, Purebloods, and Mudbloods are…” _

When they had put two floors between them they finally stopped to take stock of the situation. James took Sirius’s shoulders and tried to get him to look him in the eye. Remus stood at his side, placing a grounding hand on Sirius’s shoulder. Peter glanced around the corner to make sure they hadn’t been followed. 

“I…” Sirius chewed on his lip. “I don’t understand.” James raised his eyebrows, watching the turmoil rage in Sirius’s pale eyes, trying desperately to figure out what his friend was thinking. When Sirius spoke again his voice was barely more than a whisper. “She stopped writing  _ me _ .”

Remus winced and James threw him a silencing glance. “Pads. I may have told Dumbles about our conversation the other day.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remus and Marlene should be best friends if you ask me.
> 
> This one is a little shorter so sorry about that.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus and Sirius's relationship is evolving. Sirius learns how ruthless Severus truly is with legilimency.

**In the Hogwarts Library, 1975**

They were pouring over their Herbology homework. “You’d think for a couple of wizards who succeeded at one of the most difficult herbological spells we’d be better at Herbology,” Sirius bemoaned. It wasn’t that they were terrible at Herbology. It was a well known fact that Sirius Black didn’t fail at anything. The first day in Slughorn's class he’d earned 50 points for Gryffindor. But Sirius also suspected it as an incentive to join his little club. 

_ “A Black in Gryffindor! Why that’s as rare as…” _ He’d never finished the thought because a student had asked a captivating question about gillyweed. Slughorn really did love to hear himself talk. 

Two of the four had Divinations next; James had dropped the class after months and months of seeing absolutely nothing in his tea leaves. Sirius had followed suit as the only prediction Professor Mopsus ever had for him was an overwhelming image of the Grim. 

_ “We got it, you bat. Just say you have no control over the bloody thing and move on.” _

_ “At least the future is telling you something. I can’t get a damn thing in that class,” James had replied. _

So, the four sat in the library, Remus and Sirius on one side of the table and Peter and James on the other. Remus had a habit of resting a hand on Sirius’s shoulder or forearm or Sirius’s favorite, his knee. This was where Remus had planted his hand today. James eyed this thoughtfully and raised an approving eyebrow at his best friend. Sirius fervently ignored this. 

“It’s essentially the same as potions, Pads.” Remus laughed leaning over the empty parchment in front of them. Sirius loved the smell of Remus’s hair. He wasn’t sure if it was a Padfoot thing, but just the smell of his friends was enough to put him in a good mood. He was sure the others had some biological changes due to the transformation but being able to petrify Prongs with lumos got old quite quickly. 

Remus, on the other hand, had always had some extra magical abilities. Remus’s nose could tell him anything from the last time you washed your robes to the breakfast you had _ yesterday _ . Not to mention biological changes. It was one of the weirdest feelings when your best friend can _ smell _ puberty starting. It was both exciting and kind of terrifying to think about Remus knowing just how he felt about the hand on his knee and that he continued to keep it there despite it. Remus rested his chin on the table and looked up at Sirius.

“It is not.” Sirius smiled, bringing his face dangerously close to Remus’s.

Peter flopped down across from them. “Doesn’t matter, I’m bloody miserable at both of them.” He said from under his folded arms. 

Remus absentmindedly put a strand of Sirius’s hair behind the boy’s ear. Sirius usually pale complexion turned pink. Physical affection was not an odd sight to see among the Marauders. James was one of the most hands on people either of the boys had ever met. But there was a definable difference in the physicality between he and Remus. Sirius liked it and intended to keep James’s mouth from ruining it. 

“Alright, Wormtail,” Remus said straightening up. “Best be off before we’re late.” Sirius put his hand on Remus’s shoulder as he stood, the effect was Sirius’s fingers sliding down Remus’s arm to hold his hand. 

“Right, maybe you could ask Mopsus about my future then? Don’t want to miss anything if she has a prediction about a certain Redheaded Head Girl.”

Remus laughed, “You want dating advice from Mopsus?”

“I’d say it’s more stalking advice at this point.” Peter said under his breath. James glared at him.

James sighed and said, “Well boys, why don’t you tell me what you really think.” They laughed together. “Love you lots.”

“Miss you already!” Sirius called after them. Peter flashed his fingers at them which caused another uproarious burst of laughter before Miss Pince turned her stern look on them. James put his chin in his hands. “Don’t look at me like that.” Sirius unintentionally slammed a book too hard on the desk and pointed to James when Miss Pince shushed them vigorously. He threw James a cheeky smile. 

“I wouldn’t have to look at you if you opened up to like you used to. We’re brothers now, there’s nothing you can’t tell me.” Sirius tried not to think of Regulus when James talked like that. He loved the boy in front of him, he didn’t know what he’d do or who he’d be without him. Yet, the tight pang of guilt nearly knocked the breath out of him every time James reminded him of their connection. His _ brother _. 

“I don’t have trouble opening up, if anyone has trouble opening up it’s our Remus.” An obvious deflect but James seized it as it was closer to the direction he was going. 

“True you both are emotionally constipated gits. But I’m working on it.” He looked back at his parchment and jotted something down to remember later. 

Sirius watched him, trying and failing to read his inscrutable handwriting upside down. “He’s who you need to talk to about this.”

James seemed distracted, “_ This _...being?”

He raised his eyes suggestively. “He couldn’t keep his hands off me, could he? He was all over me.” 

“How do _ you _ feel about that.” James asked finally looking up.

“Dunno…” Sirius closed his potions book. Once you got James started there really was no use in trying to do anything else. Sometimes he wondered if the persistence made it easy to talk or if he was just worn down by it. 

“I swear you two are meant for each other.”

“I- What?” Sirius sputtered. He covered by smashing an elbow into the end of the table and feigning injury. He tried to ignore the tugging in his chest. James absently took the arm and pretended to kiss it better. 

“He said the same thing when I asked him.”

“Gods, Prongs, did you talk to Pete about us too?”

James shrugged. “‘Course. You know me, Pads. I’m a verbal processor.” He sat back dreamily. “I’d talk to Lily if she’d let me.” He sighed and snapped himself back to the present. “Have you two snogged yet?”

Sirius went absolutely puffskein pink. “No.”

“Still...that doesn’t mean much, Lily’s going to be my wife someday but we haven’t even so much as held hands.”

“That’s ‘cause she hates you.” Sirius chuckled as something behind James caught his eye. “Speaking of…” James, swirled around in his chair almost falling off the side. Lily and Severus were making their way through the Transfiguration section. James’s head whipped back to Sirius, his dark eyes bright. He gestured wildly with his arms. Sirius sighed. “This is your chance.” He had some work to do anyway. 

“Wish me luck.” Sirius suddenly looked under the books in front of him and the table, fumbling with his robes as if he was searching for something. James stopped to stare at him; “What are you doing?”

“No felix felicis here, mate, sorry.” Sirius said shrugging. He heard James laugh as he turned the corner.

Severus, rather conspicuously, sat two tables away watching Sirius. The marauder looked after his friend and, although he could hear the murmuring of his best friend totally failing at wooing the girl of his dreams, he couldn't see either of them behind the towering book shelf. When he looked up again he found the greasy snake staring directly at him. 

**Alphard’s London Flat, 1973**

Sirius stood at the door to his uncle Alphard’s flat. He was sent by his mother to try to persuade his cousin, Andromeda, who was staying with his disgraced uncle at the time, to “give up the tainted child of hers and forget the Mudblood boy she’d become infatuated with.” At least that is how Walburga put it. 

Sirius, who despised his mother and everything she stood for, had no intention of following her orders. He’d been hinting at the scheme for over a month now; he’d travel to Alphard’s and bring Andy home once and for all. What he really wanted to do was convince Alphard to let him stay. His favorite uncle by far, Alphard had excused himself from the family values and inheritance to live the life he chose. 

He knocked. 

A soft buzzing came from what felt like everywhere, as if he was surrounded by insects. Then as soon as it began, it stopped. Something odd had happened; Sirius felt there and not there. He knew where he was but it felt as though he was looking through someone else's eyes. He loosened the Gryffindor tie around his neck and dropped it into a puddle on the doorstep. 

Alphard opened the door, positively beaming. As his mouth moved a voice spoke that was familiar and terrifying and not belonging to his uncle. The voice could have been his own but for the unmistakable sinister tone. 

_ Yes quite well, actually _. The voice said and he repeated. 

This was bad. He couldn’t break whatever spell had come over him. A blanket of calm wrapped around him, choking him. He could feel it trying to stop his own actions from taking root. He couldn't say what he wanted, he could barely breathe as he fought the magic clouding his mind. 

_ It’s alright, _ the voice cooed. Sirius ground his teeth. 

He had followed Alphard to the study, although he didn’t remember telling his body to do so. Someone handed him a warm cup and he tried to focus on the sensation. He tried to bring himself back. Andromeda, his favorite cousin and middle daughter of his uncle Cygnus entered the study. She waddled slowly, as her stomach had already overtaken her small frame. Sirius flew to her side and helped Alphard lead her to a velvet armchair. 

The voice spoke again and it came out Sirius’s mouth, “_ I don’t know why you’re doing this to yourself. _”

“Once we spoke of escape,” Her head tilted to the side as she looked up at him. “I don’t expect you to fully understand my choices, Sirius.” Her eyes drooped down, possibly from lack of sleep or the fact that her mother and father hadn’t spoken to her in months. Whatever it was, sadness overtook her face. “This is a good thing, for me and the family.” She rubbed her belly lovingly. “I’m going to make sure this little girl grows up happy and loved.” 

Alphard’s eyes were wet when Sirius turned to him. “Something none of us in this room have likely felt.” He slapped a warm hand on Sirius’s shoulder. 

Sirius laughed weakly. The voice began to plead with his cousin, “_ Still do you really want to get removed from the tree? Your line lost forever from the Ancestry book? _”

“I don’t care about all that, don’t you see?” Andromeda no longer looked sad. Her smile was bright with opportunity. It hurt Sirius, all he wanted to do was tell her how proud he was and ask to visit once the baby was born. Andromeda continued, “All I need is Ted and this little girl, wizard or not.” Sirius gasped and he wasn’t sure who had initiated it. 

He wanted to say ‘I’m happy for you.’ but what left his mouth stunned even him. “_ You can’t really mean that, with that tainted blood you can very well have a squib.” _

Andromeda pursed her lips and looked at Alphard, “There are worse things in the world.” Sirius could feel his resolved crumbling. She’d done it. She’d gotten out. Of course she didn’t care what happened next because she knew that she finally had the power to make her own choices instead of those her family had chosen for her.

Sirius felt like he was going to be sick. He dug deep, focusing with all he had on becoming himself again. He needed- 

“Help...” It had come out so quiet he was sure they hadn’t heard. Alphard stood and took a step towards his nephew. Then Sirius lost the battle and the voice took over. _ “Help me help you, Andromeda. There’s still time. You can have all we’ve ever wanted for you.” _

She looked at him like he’d hexed her. 

His throat burned. He had to leave before the voice completely buried him. He’d done enough damage as it was. _ “Well if I really can’t convince you.” _

Alphard frowned, “You’re not going to stay…?” He looked between his niece and nephew. “For supper? At least.”

Sirius slowly, resolutely, as if pushing through deep water, walked forward and hugged his uncle. He would abandon everything just to stay here for one day, for a week. Forever; to have what they had. But he was afraid. Instead he pulled back from Alphard. He shook his head. “_I really must be off, mother is waiting." _When he blinked he felt tears welled up in his eyes. 

“I don’t know what’s gotten into you, boy.” Alphard escorted him to the door. 

Walburga was waiting across the street. She hadn’t even bothered to try to dress like a muggle despite being in muggle London. Alphard sighed upon seeing his sister. He did not cross the threshold. “Alright there, Wally?” he called. She sniffed and placed an arm around her son’s shoulders. She looked him in the eye and smiled.

“Good boy.” She pocketed her wand in her flowing robes. Sirius regained his senses. Immediately he pulled at her arms but she had already apparated the two of them home. 

**In the Hogwarts Library, 1975**

Sirius felt himself lurch forward as he came back to the library. He looked around desperately for someone, anyone familiar. He splayed his palms flat on the table to stop them from trembling, reeling as one of the worst things he’d ever done trickled down his spine like the sweat on his back. If he could have just pushed harder, just been stronger, just told Alphard what he had intended to that day. He could have changed everything. But then he wouldn’t have ended up at the Potter’s and he and Prongs wouldn’t have become as close as brothers. 

He swallowed the bile in his throat and looked up at Severus. The boy was grinning ear to ear, it fell back to his usual scowl when something behind Sirius distracted him. Lily took a seat next to him with several heavy books in hand. 

The realization hit Sirius harder than any bludger ever could. The world tilted off kilter. Sirius couldn’t breathe. Severus had just poked at one of his worst memories. The Slytherin had used no verbal spell and his wand was nowhere in sight. 

“...hey, Sirius? Did you hear me?”

“James,” Sirius said distantly, eyes still locked on Severus. How? After years of near obsessive study, how did a low life half-blood Slytherin get past his defenses. 

James voice was louder this time and he spoke with intent. “Sirius, look at me.”

“He used it.” Sirius said. The room swirled around him. He reached out to James. “He’s doing it again.” His eyebrows knitted together in concentration. “We need to leave.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A moment of tenderness between Sirius and Walburga. Sirius jokes about 'something good' in Remus's life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short but sweet.

**12 Grimmauld Place, 1972**

Sirius was sitting at the dining table at Grimmauld Place. He was staring at where his plate had been. Just staring at nothing in particular. Thinking about nothing in particular. 

He jumped when someone called his name. He couldn’t remember how long he’d been sitting there or when dinner had ended. Surely Kreacher would have forced him to move if there was cleaning to be done. Less than an hour, surely. 

She called again. “Sirius!” He followed his mother’s voice until he found her on an old armchair in the lounge. “Can I talk to you, love?” He planted his feet in the doorway and she beckoned him to her. He sat on her lap and let her play with his short hair. She carded her fingers through it and tucked it neatly behind his ears, even though it didn’t stay.

“Your brother had a nightmare last night.” She smoothed her hand over his cheek. He quite liked this side of his mother. His father had once explained to his young boys that Blacks were none too keen on affection.  _ “Use it to your advantage. You never know when one might betray you,” _ He added when they’d complained further. 

On nights like tonight, when Walburga seemed to seek out her eldest to talk, she was moderately affectionate. Sirius didn’t know if she did it on purpose or if she just needed her hands full to think. But he liked to think that he served a purpose being there. Tonight she was looking for advice, he could hear it in her tone. 

“Is he ok?” He knew the answer. He’d spoken to Regulus only hours before. The boy seemed playful and unbothered. He hardly hid his emotions from his older brother. 

“Yes well…” She trailed off as she raked her fingernails over his scalp. It was painful but he knew she’d meant it lovingly so he said nothing. “That’s the issue isn’t it. I just can’t tell anymore.”

Sirius searched for something to say. “What was it about, did he tell you?” It had been so long since they actually talked instead of screaming at each other. 

“He dreamt he married a  _ mudblood _ .” She snarled, clenching his wrists a bit too hard. 

He knew it would make her angry. “That- doesn’t seem so terrible.” He said it anyway because he knew that if this time he could convince her of the innocuousness of mudbloods, then half breeds and blood traitors wouldn’t be so far off. She was from a different time. 

She sighed wearily.

She loosened her grip and he could tell she was losing interest in him. “I’m only saying that if it doesn’t seem to bother him, then maybe the dream wasn’t all that terrible?”

“What if it makes  _ me _ feel terrible.”

He choked on his reply. His mind drawing a blank. “I don’t think it really matters?”

“Doesn’t it? Sirius, I don’t think you realize how much your words hurt me. Can’t you see this from a- a parent’s view?” Suddenly she stood, forcing Sirius out of her lap. He landed on his feet and turned to look at her. “I don’t feel like talking anymore, Sirius. You may go.”

“But-”

She stopped him with a solid hand on his shoulder. “I have a duty to keep you safe, to try to make the world a better place for you.” He shrugged her off when her fingers clenched too tight. She raised a sharp eyebrow. “I love you two dearly and I worry that you will get yourselves into danger if you’re not careful.” She walked to the threshold and turned back to add, “You cannot deny your duty any more than you can change the color of your hair. You can’t understand what having a child is like. You will one day. Then you’ll understand.”

**Hogwarts, 1972**

Sirius lay with his head softly resting on Remus’s stomach. The boy was near sleep but he could hear a shallow breath every once and a while telling him that Remus was keeping himself awake. Sirius turned his head to look at his friend, feeling the soft skin of Remus’s belly against his face. The moment settled over him like the rays of the sun, heating him up from the outside in.

Sirius took a deep calming breath. “What were you looking for?” He asked Remus. For a moment there was no sign Remus was even conscious. So he added, “just now in my head?”

Remus breathed, “Something good.”

Sirius heart jumped to his throat. He cleared it and leaned over Remus’s face. “I’m right here.” 

Remus shoved him away but his breath caught. “Stuff off.” Sirius snorted but he lay back down on Remus.

All their delving into terrible memories had pushed that one to the back of his mind. He had been so obsessed with denying his nature he’d forgotten that that is what connected he and Remus. They were both trying to forget an inseparable part of themselves and no matter how hard they tried they were surrounded by the truth. 

Remus’s lycanthropy separated him from the rest of his peers, too afraid to get close to anyone lest the wolf attack. Sirius’s Black legacy and expectations sat so heavily on his back sometimes he wished it would just crush him already. Both of them trying to get away from their past. Both trying to ignore what they could not change. Sirius would do anything to make his friends feel like he wasn’t a burden because of what someone else had taken from him. In turn he tried to accept that they didn’t care about his heritage. 

Remus reminded him he was awake with a chuckle. It warmed Sirius’s whole body with how natural and comfortable it sounded. “I can practically hear you worrying.”

“I am not.”

“Are you sure?”

Sirius’s smile was so wide it hurt his cheeks. “I think for once I’m being serious.” Remus choked on his reply. He laughed and smacked Sirius playfully.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Regulus and Sirius talk about adolescent magic. Sirius and Peter have a heart to heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is really fun to write, I'm in love with the idea of Regulus teasing Sirius about his early magic. Just them being brothers before the war ruined them. Its sweet. I love the Black boys so fucking much, you guys.

**Grimmauld Place, 1970**

Regulus Arcturus Black was always small for his age. But what he lacked in height, he made up for in intelligence and curiosity. He was voracious when it came to learning about his lineage. His mother adored this, she adored him for many reasons. Regulus had shown his adolescent magic much earlier than Sirius and it seemed to erupt out of him in blazes of energy. This was usually the case with wizards who would grow to immense power, which she adamantly reminded her friends and relatives. Sirius had overheard a gleeful conversation about potentially Regulus receiving his wand early in order to anchor his prepubescent magic. Walburga had raved to a couple other Pureblood mothers that as he was petitioned the ministry to allow it. 

“Sirius was nothing like this one,” she said patting her youngest son on the head, lovingly. “His brother was always very inward with his magic. Merlin, I wish he was still like that.” Walburga caught Sirius’s eye and he knew she was talking about a lot more than magic. She dug into his memories, making him relive a particular nasty punishment and wordlessly daring him to put his occlumency lessons to use. All the while knowing she was much more powerful and the price for eavesdropping was the painful memory on repeat until she decided to relent. 

As a result, Sirius had refrained from lying to his mother unless it was really necessary. 

On a small table in the entry hall of 12 Grimmauld Place, there is an ancient book of the Black Family Tree. It details the Old Family and magically updates the lines of Peverell and Blacks as well as some less prestigious Pureblood families such as the Longbottoms, Weasleys, and Patels. The book grew as it gained knowledge from the magical persons living in Grimmauld Place. Walburga had read the Black Family ancestry to Sirius until Regulus was born. 

The younger Black son had thirsted for information in a way Sirius never had. This grew tenfold when Sirius started showing signs of being a Blood Traitor. Regulus thought that if he could be the perfect child, perhaps their mother would be more pleased with him than she was upset over Sirius. So this is where they stood, Sirius flipping through still pictures, muggle magazines he’d smuggled into the house without his mother knowing, and Regulus sifting through the family trees. 

“Sirius, did you know that Fleamont Potter is one of the only blood traitors to not marry a mudblood or a muggle?” He had taken to saying the word the way their mother did; like it was a bad smell and he wanted to personally punish whomever had brought it his way.

Sirius rolled his eyes, “Who is Fleamont Potter.”

Regulus looked up at him like he was joking. “He’s the direct heir to the Peverell bloodline, well actually he has a son a little older than me,” he sifted through the pages he’d just been looking at, “Your age actually. He might be in your year when you go to Hogwarts.”

Sirius didn’t think he would be making a lot of Pureblood friends when he finally got to Hogwarts but Regulus seemed to be waiting for an answer so he shrugged with a noncommittal “I dunno maybe.” Although the Blood Traitor issue did pique his interest, he would have to see if the kid was following in his father’s footsteps.

Regulus nodded apparently satisfied and went back to the book. Then he remembered, “Oh he’s the potioneer who created the Sleekeazy potion. The one you use, right?”

Lightheartedly, as he knew Reg was only trying to get a rise out of him, Sirius glared. “For your information, Regulus, my hair is naturally this luscious.” He shook his hair in his brother’s face. The length of which infuriated his mother. Regulus spit dramatically as hair fell into his mouth.

“You really should cut that, you know. It would really make mum happy - which I know you like. Don’t deny it.”

Sirius didn’t look up from his muggle magazine. “Not anymore.” He nodded to the ancestry, “Speaking of mum, you should really put that down before you hurt it.”

Regulus watched him. “You’re just jealous because I can do nonverbal magic.”

Sirius rolled his eyes, “It's not nonverbal magic, Reg. It's just your baby magic and it singed my arm, so I wouldn’t be smart about it if I were you.” Just last week his new spell book had caught fire just from the intensity with which he was focusing. In an attempt to save his brother from the flames, Sirius had managed to catch his robes on fire while wrenching the book from Regulus’s hands. Which ended up leaving a bloody burn up the side of his forearm. Walburga had screamed so loud and for so long at him for doing something so dangerous, that Sirius was sure she was going to lose her voice this time. Orion had spent the rest of the night coming up with ways to erase the scars, lest the family suspect ill treatment of the heir.

“No!”

“Sirius!” They both jumped as they looked up and saw their mother standing in the doorway, door ajar, harsh glare on her face. She rushed forward and it took every cell clenching for Sirius to not jerk away. She took the ancestry book from her youngest son and gingerly placed it back on its pedestal. “How many times must I tell you not to let Regulus play with the Family Ancestry.” His jaw tightened as he stared his mother down. 

“He didn’t let me mummy.”

Walburga hummed softly as she put her arms around Regulus. Then she turned an icy stare on her eldest. “Why do I even leave him with you if you’re going to allow him to misbehave?”

“I didn’t allow him anything, Mother.” Walburga seemed to hold her breath as Sirius continued, “I encouraged him.” She held back her reaction, but her sons knew better. Regulus took his mother’s hand trying to calm the storm that was no doubt raging in her head. 

“What are you looking at?” she snapped.

“A magazine,” seeing this made her seethe, he added, “It's hardly the end of the world.” Sirius knew his nonchalance was going to anger his mother even more than the fact that it was a muggle item ever could. She snatched it, ripping her hand away from Regulus. 

“A muggle magazine? Like some common Mudblood.”

“Merlin, if only…”

Everything happened so fast it made Sirius’s head spin. Walburga cursed her delusional heir as anger boiled over at the disrespect. She whipped him across the face, slicing him with the crest on her heirloom ring. The boy was thrown against the wall with the force of the strike. He looked up at his mother and spit blood on the green carpet. Walburga swore. Behind her, Regulus looked as if he’d been petrified, still as stone and staring at the floor. His eyes were wide staring at nothing, patiently waiting for the violence to be over. Sirius felt like he was going to be sick. His eyes stinging with tears, he managed to stand and flee to his room. 

When he’d climbed the two staircases to his room, Kreacher was standing in his doorway. The House Elf was barely hiding a gleeful snicker. Sirius could have hit it. But instead he growled, “What?”

“Mistress has instructed me to lock young Master into his room until further notice,” the House Elf said bearing dark crooked teeth. 

“Fine. It's better than listening to her incessant Pureblood wailing.”

Kreacher pointed to his cheek, Sirius flinched away as the elf got closer. By the time his long gnarled finger was a couple inches away Sirius had to bite his lip to stay calm. Usually an elf would not evoke such a reaction but he knew his mother had allowed Kreacher to hurt him in the past with no consequence. A burning pain erupted from the cut on his cheek. He cried out and clutched at his face, sure the brute was hexing him. But when his hand came away dry he realized that the animal was getting rid of his mother’s transgression. In the most painful way it knew how. He threw a death glare at the elf and flopped himself onto his bed. He heard Kreature close and lock the door behind him. 

**Hogwarts, 1976**

Feeling Peter’s hesitation, Sirius pulled them out of his memory. They sat in silence for a long minute. “Just didn’t want to catch you wanking or something,” Peter said when he met his friend’s eyes. Sirius chuckled. That was the last thing he was thinking about that day. 

“I appreciate that.”

A full three minutes went by and neither of them said anything. 

“So your mother used to use legilimency on you?” Peter said finally. They were both aware that Peter had actually managed to hold up to Sirius’s occlumency training. He had even pushed himself during a search for the theme in his memories. Pete was always trying to understand more or find the truth and the boy rarely asked anything out right. 

“Yep,” Sirius sighed. 

Peter’s head fell to the side, “And you just wanted to get one on us, or?”

Sirius shook his head, “No, mate. Listen, I would never. It’s just… They’re all using it and they’re good at it too. We should be finding advantages anywhere we can, you know?” They both knew Sirius meant the followers of You-Know-Who but there was also a touch of personal ire to his pleading. 

This meant something to Sirius Black and nothing much seemed to matter to him anymore, except for Remus. Peter wished he had the nerve to bring that whole mess up. James had even asked if he would try. James had a tendency to believe that talking your way through a problem was the best solution. He’d been pushing this philosophy onto the rest of the marauders as best he could. 

“So you haven’t been using it on us this whole time and only now see fit for us to learn?”

Sirius seemed taken aback. “No, Pete. I swear. Besides, if there's anyone you have to watch out for, it’s Snivellus.”

“Severus?” Peter never felt comfortable using the nickname the marauders had come up with. He’d always been starkly aware that he was one wrong move from being on the bad end of their cruel nature. 

“Yeah he’s quick about it too, you have to watch for that greasy stare of his. You wouldn’t even know he’s doing it before you’re living through a terrible memory that you’d long forgotten.” Sirius could have set the drapes on fire with his glare. Suddenly it all clicked and Peter found himself feeling foolish.

“He’s the one you’re trying to keep our secrets from.” Sirius nodded. “Is that why you’re such a prick to him all the time?”

Sirius melodramatically put his hand to his chest. “Moi? I have never been a prick in my life.”

“Right. Like the fourth time you forgot I was Pureblood?”

Sirius laughed as though Peter had just told a mildly funny joke. “You’re not-” he looked away. How did three-fourths of the marauders turn out to be Purebloods. Peter glared. “I didn’t forget; the Pettigrews just aren’t in the Ancestry book.”

“That’s what you said last time, do you ever listen?”

“What?” Sirius smiled wide stifling a laugh. Peter gave him a look that told him he was very much in trouble. Then an idea struck him. The younger boy looked down thinking. “Pete, hey I’m sorry.”

“What kind of secrets are you trying to keep from Severus?”

Sirius blinked at him.

“I mean besides Moony,” Peter rolled his eyes. “Obviously.”

Sirius sat back then. “I’m not sure I understand your meaning.” It was a challenge. He didn’t think Peter was bold (or dense) enough to really get to the point. That look could cajole or break a man’s spirit, depending on the conversation. It had both been used to silence Peter and bolster him to join in on the mischief. Peter suspected his friend was going for the former. Sirius was intent on not talking about whatever they were not talking about.

“Remus,” it was all he could muster and it seemed to do more than enough. 

They had begun almost exclusively using their animagus names for each other. Remus had asked the they use Moony instead of his ‘furry problem’ after the mistaken identity issue with Marlene. Sirius instantly knew Peter was going to bring up the fact that he and Remus were growing closer. Sirius, despite the rumors had never been in a relationship that hadn’t promised the end or beginning to his life. He didn’t want to put more pressure on the already tenuous relationship. When his parents informed him he was betrothed to Bellatrix, it had ended any cordial contact he had had with them once and for all, prompting their already vile treatment of him to magnify tenfold. When he ran away he’d put his heart into the care of the Potters. He knew that couldn’t last forever. He would never say it out loud because James ego didn’t really need the boost, but James Potter saved his life. 

“Pete,” he said unsteady. 

“Relax, I’m not going to make you talk about your feelings,” he made a face them added “I’m not James.” They laughed together. “But it makes sense.” Sirius tried to read his face but got nothing. “It makes sense that you’d be protective of him. It doesn’t look like you’ve had many people you can really count on. Remus…Remus is good. When Moony’s not trying to tear you limb from limb.”

“Look at you, Wormy. When did you become all insightful?” Peter almost blushed, Sirius’s smile was enough to make you feel like the most important person in the room. “Did James put you up to it?”

“Not just Prongs though. You’ve had a tough time of it. Especially the last year or so.” Peter reached for Sirius’s hand but thought better of it. If it were James in front of him he’d grab on to Peter and stop him from pulling away, such was the way the Potters were about public displays of affection. “We’re mates, we want you to be happy. Remus too.” 

Sirius looked at him then. His throat burned and his eyes prickled with wetness. “Thanks.” He cleared his throat. “Did he make you memorize that before or after the blowie?”

“Stuff off, Black.”

“Ok, let’s go again and really go for it this time. I want to see what kind of pure blood you’re made of.”

“You’re on.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Walburga demands reparations when Cynus hurts something that is hers. Remus and Sirius realize they mean more to each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is one of my favorite memories.

**1964**

By the time Sirius was five he was almost fluent in Latin; a tradition from the ancients that still proved useful as it was the best language to effectively understand the most common spells and charms. Walburga made sure to add her favorites to the usual list as well. She had handed him her wand and she had allowed him to use small charms in order to tidy his room (as they were in-between house elves at the time) and other such healing spells when the need arose.

But the most impactful spell work the young Black would encounter would come after a trip to his uncle’s. He had been hexed quite viciously while in the care of Cygnus and his wife and upon seeing the blood stained shirt, Walburga demanded restitution.

“No elbows on the table, Sirius, you know this,” Walburga chastised. He had been a part of the Black family for five years now and he should act it. Druella entered the room after her husband, watching the siblings carefully. She held her youngest, Narcissa, to her chest. Cygnus took a seat at the head of the table, his chin and shoulders up right and straight. The former heir to the House of Black shining through. Sirius mimicked the posture and looked at his mother. “Care to explain yourself, brother?” There was poison in her throat, ready to strike whomever displeased her. 

Cygnus huffed out a laugh. “I do not have to explain myself, least of all to you.” Sirius failed to see what was funny, but as the new heir he noticed the weight that everyone around him had begun to place on every word he uttered. His uncle clearly missed such treatment.

Druella took a desperate step forward and pleaded, “It was me, I did it.” No sooner had the words left her lips when she collapsed into a spasming heap. Narcissa stared at her mother, trembling. She looked up desperately to her father. Cygnus betrayed no reaction on his stony features.

Walburga never even moved. “You are aware that you are no longer the heir, yes?”

Cygnus narrowed his eyes “There’s no need to treat me like a child, Walburga.”

A shrill scream echoed through the halls and Narcissa cried out, dropping to her knees by her mother. “Auntie, please!” Walburga released her sister-in-law from the curse with a wave of her hand. Sirius gulped and tried to push himself up to see his cousin.

“Then please explain to me how a stay in your home has left a wound on my son so bad, I had to have a healer remove the scar from his body?”

“He was punished.”

“For?”

Cygnus’s eyes met Sirius’s for the briefest moment before returning to his sister. “Speaking out of turn.”

Walburga considered this. She had done more for less at Grimmauld Place and yet she could not abide by another laying hands on her son. “You have hurt my child and by extension me. I grant you the boy may have deserved it. But this is a slight that cannot go uncorrected.” Sirius watched his mother, feeling the sting of the last hex she’d cast rub roughly against his shirt.

Cygnus’s face tightened, “…and how do you propose we correct it?” He relented, knowing full well he would expect the same from anyone who disciplined his daughters without permission. Yet he felt the hairs on the back of his neck bristle at the thought of willingly taking a curse from his sister. 

“Sirius,” Walburga barked. He perked up once more, shoulders perfectly squared to the table and chin parallel to the ground. She sneered at this. Her perfect Black heir. “A debt is owned. Narcissa,” callously, she turned to the girl. “You may choose.”

This is what was done in one of the oldest Pureblood wizarding families in the world. Pain for pain, equality for all. Narcissa looked between her father and mother. Cygnus’s eyes clearly had no intention of rising from his plate. Druella curled in on herself beside her daughter, having stood up for her husband already and been punished for it. 

“Coward.” Walburga’s heart sank as she watched the short interaction, disappointed but not surprised. She leaned over the pride and joy of her life, her eyes wide with excitement. “You’re going to be a big boy now, yes?” She opened her hand and offered her wand to him. “Remember your lessons, Sirius. Make Mummy proud.” She stood back and the four of them watched Sirius crawl out of the chair and assume proper dueling stance. Walburga giggled absolutely delighted, her chest bursting. 

At the worst moment imaginable, Bellatrix casually strolled into the room. She either didn’t notice the unbearable tension in the room or decided to ignore it all together. She came to sit by her father and he put an arm around her. Sirius flinched when Bellatrix looked at him, the wand began shaking in his hand. 

Walburga watched this and something clicked. “Choose, child.” She turned once more, her face relaying no emotion, and demanded, “or the decision will be made for you.” Narcissa’s shock of white hair matched her mother’s. She stood, pale as parchment and fingers quivering as she raised her hand and pointed to her father. Sirius’s heart skipped a beat

“I choose B-Bella.” Narcissa said in a voice so soft Walburga could have mistaken it for a hiccup. 

Walburga’s eyes softened as she looked at her niece. “I always knew you were my favorite.” She said and softly positioned her son’s shoulders. 

**Hogwarts, 1975**

The room swirled around him and Sirius found himself on the Hogwarts grounds, a few yards from the lake. Remus was sitting across from him, light eyes soft but exasperated. Sirius was thankful Remus had pulled them out before he’d been able to see what happened next, but he was terrified of what his best friend would say. So he kept silent, watching, waiting. 

Remus took a deep breath. “What was that?” 

“What do you mean?”

“Padfoot,” the nickname still felt funny in Remus’s mouth. But Sirius’s eyes lit up every time he used it. “You asked us to do this, but you’ve clearly already learned.” He pinched the bridge of his nose. “You keep leading, if you wanted to tell me something stop being a git and just say it. You don’t have to use this legilimency ruse.”

“I-”

Remus smiled but unlike his usual kind hearted grin there was no warmth to it. “Are you trying to tell me you’re like them? Because you’re not, Sirius. You were a child. Whatever happened next doesn’t matter because it was not your fault.”

Sirius’s jaw dropped. “I guess I was thinking,” he said slowly trying to remember everything James had said about talking it out. “Since this…thing between us is starting to feel…” He searched for words. “Real and…breakable. I just wanted you to know what you were getting into.” He put his hand up as Remus opened his mouth. “I know I’m not like them. They’re all dark magic, putrid and rotten on the inside, but I still… It would not take much for me to fall back in line.” Sirius fiddled with his tie as he spoke. “I’m not as strong as the rest of you.”

“Says the one who left. I’ve seen your mother at the train station. She’s…” Remus huffed shivering visibly. “She’s something.” 

This stung. Sirius remembered when he was the favorite son, when Walburga looked to him for comfort and he her. He had sway with her and she listened. They fought, a lot, but they were so similar in temperament. That’s just how families are. She had had a kindness and he had soaked it up like a sponge, otherwise he wouldn’t have been able to sway the kindest boy at Hogwarts into liking him. He didn’t come from nothing. Sirius opened his mouth and closed it again.

“Have you ever wanted something so bad it hurts?” 

“You’re joking.” Remus chuckled and the noise sounded like goblins gargling. It made Sirius flinch. He didn’t mean Moony and he hoped Remus could understand. 

“I’m not talking about wishing your Pa would duel with you or not being able to explain spellwork to your mum because there aren’t any signs for your favorite charms.” Sirius swallowed. “Have you ever watched someone you need lose interest in you?”

“What-” 

“She....loved me at some point, Remus. That day I cursed Bellatrix was one of the best days of my life.” Sirius shut his eyes tight remembering the soft touches and smiles. “My mother was  _ so proud _ of me that day. I stood up for myself, she said. I’d become the heir I was meant to be.” He was smiling. He couldn’t help it. “We were a real family that day.” 

Remus gaped at him.

They were the same in so many ways that it kicked Remus completely off kilter some days. He recognized Sirius’s slouching shoulders and scrunched up forehead. He reached out a hand to touch Sirius’s shoulder. The black haired boy leaned into it. 

A thought scratched at the back of Remus’s mind. This was right. He was meant to be here. Why was he so opposed to just giving in and letting this happen?  _ Mate _ . The word rang out in his mind. Moony was trying to tell him, make him understand. Sirius felt good. Sirius felt right. It wasn’t a soulmate kind of mate, it was someone who understood what he needed. His heightened animal instinct explained, he had a desire for someone who understood him in a very intrinsic way. That was Sirius.  _ Pack _ . The word made him uncomfortable because it was so  _ animal _ , but at the same time he could feel how absolutely euphoric it made him. 

Remus rushed forward and kissed him then, the urge boiling over and exploding out in energetic movements. Sirius’s eyes widened and then all worry melted away. He pulled away, still holding Sirius’s chin softly. The dark haired boy had the sweetest smile on his face. He hadn’t opened his eyes, like he was reliving the moment. 

“I understand that your mother is still your mother.” Sirius fixed him with an uncertain look. “But we’re your family now.” He made sure to keep Sirius’s focus before he lost him to perilous thoughts. “Padfoot, you hear me? The Marauders have your back.”


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Prank.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only one more chapter after this.

**1976**

James sat in his hospital bed in the Hospital Wing, Sirius sat at his brother’s side. James was uncharacteristically quiet and the silence sent shivers down Sirius’s spine. He tried to speak several times before he closed his mouth in favor of watching James be pestered by Madame Pomfrey. The Whomping Willow had taken a sizable chunk out of James’s shoulder and Sirius winced at every noise James made. 

“Pom, love, how long will this bench me?”

His question didn’t distract her from her work. “No way to tell Mr. Potter.” She threw an exasperated look at Sirius who managed to huff a commiserate yet uncomfortable laugh. 

When she left to send an owl to his parents, James finally looked at him. The stare in his eyes was ten times worse than the silence crawling on Sirius’s skin. “Prongs...”

“You need to talk to him, Pads.” James sighed and adjusted his glasses.

“I tried,” Sirius cried. He watched as James’s worked his jaw as he thought. “He won’t talk to me. You do see why I did it, right? We needed to take the power back.”

James looked back at his arm, the sling, and the bloody bandages in the bin between them. “Sirius! You  _ almost killed _ Severus, got me hurt in the process and you broke your promise to Remus. Look, I understand why you did it, but if you can’t see that you almost  _ ruined _ everything….” He took a long breath and released it shakily. “I can’t be your conscious forever. I’m not always going to be there to hold you back.”

Sirius sat back in his chair so hard it screeched against the floor. “I- I never asked you to.”

James held up a hand, but he was looking straight over Sirius’s shoulder. Remus had just stepped into the Hospital Wing. Sirius stood and stared, waiting. He wasn’t sure of anything anymore. Remus spared one look at James and then turned and left without a word. James shoved Sirius’s with his good hand. Sirius stood stock still for a full minute before he decided. He raced after his friend, catching up after a few corridors.

“Remus stop!” Sirius gasped for breath. Remus did but he didn’t turn to look at him. Sirius considered reaching out and touching him but thought better of it. He wanted Remus to shout, to scream, to let out the anger Sirius could see keeping his shoulders rigid. At long last when he was sure Remus would let the silence kill them both he asked, “What did you want me to say?”

Remus reared on him and for the first time in his life Sirius thought the other boy would hit him. He didn’t- wouldn’t. Sirius flinched nonetheless. Remus stepped back but the anger boiling inside him kept his fists clenched tight. He looked past Sirius, as if just the sight of him threatened his composure. “ _ Anything _ .” Remus growled. Sirius searched wildly for Prongs until he remembered James was still in the Infirmary. “Anything  _ other _ than Moony.”

Sirius didn’t understand, this was a  _ good _ plan. He needed to make Remus understand. “We control the secret now,” his voice broke and he tried to ignore the sick feeling in his gut. “He can’t say anything without lauding Prongs for saving him. You know he’d rather have died than let that happen.”

Remus leaned against the cool stone like he was exhausted, he very well could be. The Full was only last night. Sirius stayed where he was, a good distance from Remus. But all he wanted to do was comfort him. He knew every one of Remus’s muscles ached after the Full and Sirius knew a few pain relieving charms. 

“I don't want a lesson in secrets from Walburga Black,” Remus spit.

“Its not-”

“Oh come on,” Remus began pacing. He winced as his hips cracked. “You’re not that cruel.”

Sirius was quiet for a long time. “What if I am.”

“I need to be alone.”

“But-”

“Please leave, Sirius!”

**A Ministry Holding Cell, 1981**

Sirius Orion Black III turned twenty-two the day he was sent to Azkaban.

The room swirled and Sirius was alone. It was dark and he was cold. He had no idea what time it was but something in his gut said it was past midnight. His birthday. His stomach soured at the thought. His best friends Lily and James would never reach twenty-two. Harry would be alone and everything they had built and worked for and fought for was gone in an instant.

Sirius retched. 

A man stood outside the cell. His voice was laced with pity when he spoke, “Sirius if you tell us what happened, we can help you. We can take you somewhere we can-”

His partner leaned against the wall a ways away. “It’s no use, he’s been lying since he got here...trying to lay blame to a dead man.”

Sirius couldn’t speak. He had ruined his throat hours ago. It didn’t matter. The Black family had a reputation and Sirius had inadvertently sorted himself into the place they’d set for him. Twelve muggles died in Peter’s curse, although even the wizards found that not as heinous as his other ‘crimes.’

Sirius could feel the Auror’s magic grating against his skull. He could feel the man dissecting his memories, looking for something- anything incriminating. Sirius knew, even wandless he could resist them with almost no effort. He’d had training the Aurors couldn’t dream of. But he was tired. And he had lost.

“Anything?” The man against the wall asked, sounding bored.

“No, just a lover’s spat.”

“Go deeper.”

“He’s got Occlumency training, it’s no use.” 

“Maybe they’ll kill ‘im and we’ll be done with this whole thing.” Sirius could almost mistake glee in the man’s voice.

It would be a mercy to be executed. As much as he wished that was his future, he’d already heard discussion of Azkaban. A terrible thought prickled along his spine. He didn’t know a whole lot about dementors but he imagined they were something like bogarts. A magical creature that conjured something so sad that they could feed on one’s grief. Painful memories marred the majority of Sirius’s childhood, he couldn’t even imagine what the creature would conjure for him. Images of his mother and father floated behind closed eyes, his cousins and his uncle laughed as he bled. 

He couldn’t have imagined anything worse. 

And yet. 

It was the screaming that kept him up at night. The terror of someone knowing they were going to die. Lily screamed at him, begging him to do something- anything.  _ Please save her son. _ James came next, asking with his dying breath: _ “Where were you?” _ Sirius knew James would never say these things. He knew that James Potter would never rest his own death on Sirius’s shoulders. He knew this and yet if the squeezing on his heart told him anything, it was that if he had to see James die one more time he would lose his goddamn mind. Finally Remus, soft warm loving Remus, with his brown curls shining in the sun. The scar on his cheek ripped apart as he stared down at Sirius.  _ “You thought I was the monster. You thought I was deadly.”  _ Sirius sobbed.  _ “A couple years with you and you ruined. Everything.” _

Padfoot howled until there was no more air in his lungs. 


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus doesn't handle his friend's death and betrayal well.

**1983**

Remus Lupin is getting on with his life. He really is. Well, he should be. His night terrors consisting of waking up to Sirius Black Mass Murder and Traitor coming to finish the job have faded into Sirius Black Ex-boyfriend asking him to stay in bed just a little while longer.

He still sits down to write to James a lot. He used to write the letters just off so James could morph into Prongs if you turned your head. The muscle memory is so ingrained he could do it while sleeping. He gets into the chair, quill in hand and parchment ready only to realize no-one would receive the letter. He doesn’t think he’ll ever write again. 

That didn’t stop people from sending them. Professor Dumbledore wrote to him at least once a week for a year after- everything happened. The end of the war. The celebrations that tended to turn Remus’s stomach. His former headmaster always began the letter with “Hope all is well…” and at first Remus wanted to tear the letters and burn them. No. Things were not well. Nothing would be well every again. Now he’s fond of the letters. 

One day Dumbledore appeared on his doorstep to ask if he was well and he responds “with as well as one can be.” 

“Understandable,” said the man he would trust with his life, that he trusted his friend’s lives to. But the Headmaster wasn’t responsible. No matter how much he reminded Remus of his time at Hogwarts. There was only one man responsible

Remus wants to punch him. “I don’t know how you can do it.”

“Whats that, Remus?”

“Pretend like everything is normal, like the whole world hasn’t been flipped upside down.” He felt sick, lightheaded. 

“Nonsense, just last week I chipped a nail while fighting a wardrobe that reminded me of one particular Lily Evans.” Dumbledore smiled. Remus’s hands shook.

“I’m sure it had it coming.” 

Dumbledore reached out and touched his forehead. “You look ill, when’s the last time you ate?” Remus leaned into the touch. James used to do that. Always the mother hen, although if he hadn’t been so intrigued by Remus’s “illness” the boys probably would never have found out about Moony. “Or been outside for that matter.” Dumbledore took a look around the flat. If Remus hadn’t answered the door, the older man would have suspected the place had been ransacked. 

“I’m _surviving_, Albus.” His head fell to the side and Dumbledore’s hand fell away. He fixed the older man with a stern look.

“There was a reason I find myself here today.” Remus said nothing. “I’ve come to offer you a teaching position.” Remus scoffed. Imagining being around those halls, passing by young men in that uniform, _living there _again. The other day while he was out doing the shopping, he saw a black mop of hair and his lungs started to burn. Now he was really going to be ill. “You always did exceptionally well in all your classes, despite the trouble you four might have gotten into.”

“Albus I need you to leave.”

“Remus, this is an opportunity for a change of scener-”

“Please get out of my house.”

Dumbledore acquiesced. He was not about to push Remus any farther than the man was pushing himself. “I’ll watch for your owl.” Remus did not stand. He didn’t walk his old Headmaster out. Dumbledore called a goodbye and locked the door behind him. 

Remus sat there, seething for a good minute. He knew rationally he had no one to be angry at. Everyone who had a part in the tragedy of his life was either dead or behind bars. He stood and threw his mug at the wall. It shattered with a loud CRASH, sending dust and cold tea and ceramic pieces everywhere. He’d clean if up later. If at all. Remus stood and made his way to his bedroom. 

Suddenly he tripped on something - a shirt or cloak left on the floor. Then he was on the floor and he could taste blood in his mouth. “Damn it Sirius its dangerous leaving your clothes all over the floor!” _It was instinct. _His heart seized in his chest. _He had no idea where it cam from._ The air swept out of his lungs, his breathing becoming difficult. _He had thinking about the dormitories._ He put his hands on the wood paneling to try to ground himself._Thinking of Hogwarts._

The last time he was happy.


	10. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius Black speaks to his mother and finally says everything he's been holding back for 35 years.

**12 Grimmauld Place, 1996**

Sirius sat at home- no not home. This hadn’t been his home in years. He owned the building, sure, but it wasn’t home. There was an almost empty bottle of firewhiskey on the table in front of him. It would have been entirely empty if it weren’t for the fact that it kept swaying whenever he tried to reach for it. 

His mother was right. He had become a waste of space. The only way he could help anyone was through his unfortunate inheritance, which he only received because his brother had died during the First Wizarding War. The good son. The prodigy. Died for the cause. Sirius grabbed the bottle and made a sloppy line to the foyer. He grasped the wall beside his mother’s portrait, which hung menacingly over the Ancestry. He spit on it. He cast the silencing counter spell on the portrait. Immediately Walburga Black’s ragged screams filled the hall.

“WHO'S THERE? WHAT KIND OF MANGY, HALF BREED FILTH HAS MY SON BROUGHT INTO MY SACRED FAMILY HOME?” Sirius felt bile rising in his throat. “REMOVE THE CURTAIN THIS INSTANT.” 

Sirius took a deep breath and growled, “No.”

“Regulus?” Her voice softened. Sirius’s heart sank. “Regulus, my boy? My love is that you? Oh Kreacher told me you protected the Dark Lord’s treasures. That you were a good boy.”

Sirius sank down to the ground, feeling his world go sideways in a way that had nothing to do with the alcohol. “I did…” It was meant to be a question but he stopped short.

“Oh my sweet boy. I knew your loyalties lay with us even when others lost hope. I’m so proud of you.” There was a shuffle behind the curtain and when Walburga spoke again it was with the eagerness she had when showing off. “I’ve brought your father. Please, darling, let us see you.”

“I don’t want to see him.”

Orion’s voice broke, “Alright, son.” Another set of movements behind the curtain. 

Sirius was definitely going to throw up.

“He always was a shy child.” Sirius chuckled at that. Regulus wasn’t shy or quiet. He was dying, being smothered in slow motion from the moment he was born. “Regulus?” The voice behind the curtain was more tender than he’d ever heard in life.

Kreacher appeared at the top of the staircase behind Sirius. The house elf watched the interaction and for a moment he could pretend the boy in front of the portrait was his young master as well. The younger Black boy had always been gangly and yet more steady on his feet than his brother. The man standing in his Mistresses house, although swaying rather dangerously, was barely skin and bones. But they had the same sallow skin and lustrous black hair. Kreacher sighed and left the boy to talk to his mother. 

Sirius took a long time to say anything. He pulled the curtain down and watched as his mother’s eyes turned sharp.

“Sirius.”

He stood and bowed with the grace of a trembling kitten. “Yes,  _ mother _ .” 

“Are you drunk.” It was not a question. Just like that he was transported to adolescence. He had managed never to let his mother see him intoxicated. Yet she always managed the loudest lesson for the day after. 

“No,” he punctuated the word by leaning into an unceremonious hiccup. 

“You see here-”

“No, Walburga.” He steadied himself against the bannister. “You underestimated me my whole life. You decided that I was nothing because I didn’t believe you when you told me we were better.” He choked on his words, feeling the scared child draining some of his strength. 

Walburga sniffed at him but said nothing.

“For so long-” The words left his mouth before he had time to think. Then it all came spilling out. “So fucking long, I defended you...because you were the child of Pollux, because you gave me shreds of affection, because you were from a different generation, because you wanted something that- we could never give you. Well…I-” Sirius took a deep breath. He forced himself to ignore his heart hammering against his ribs. “You don’t get to blame me.” He said it like it was the simplest thing in the world. 

He laughed and it shocked even him. It was a tad bit hysterical, a tad gravelly, a bit of anger. “Your...terrible childhood does not absolve you of your crimes. You do not get to claim superiority just because of our family tree. I...am going to be happy.” The thought kept him up at night and he prayed she could not see him lying through his teeth. “I’m going to live my life without the weight of you on my shoulder.” Now that was definitely true. Whatever happened next, he clung to that. “I’m going to make  _ people happy _ and I’m going to enjoy every breath I take because you are no longer walking the same earth as me.”

Then the memory of his mother didn’t have such a caustic pull on him. He put up the curtain, cast a silencing charm, and spent the rest of his night thinking about seeing familiar faces at the next Order meeting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks guys. This is the first finished chapter fic that I've ever posted. I'm proud of it. I'm proud of you *sniff* I'm proud of Sirius Black.


End file.
